So, you think ninja are great and you’d like to meet one in real life? Completely understandable. But determining whether one is a ninja or not can be harder than finding a healthy diet at McDonalds. Ninjas, over the years, have mastered the art of stealth as well as concealment, and the ability to take on a disguise at any moment is but one of the many helpful skills that they’ve developed. (other impressive skills including the ability to walk on water and consume a Wendy’s Baconator in a single bite. Truly amazing.) They walk among us, using their talents to conceal their identity and fooling us on a daily basis. But in this post, I’m going to list a few tips to help you determine whether or not one is a ninja.

 

Now, there are three unique ways of identifying a ninja: by analyzing their appearance, examining their actions, and studying their smell. Each of the three may be used effectively, but in combination, you’ve got yourself a pretty good ninja identifying process. Let us begin training.

 

Appearance

 

Determining whether or not one is a ninja based on appearance is quite the task. Studying the appearance to reach a final conclusion is made up of a few key points/tips that will be mentioned below.

 

IF THEY LOOK LIKE NINJA, THEY AREN’T

 

Ninja are humble. They don’t go around parading their awesomeness to the world, emphasizing that they’re better than us: that would be cruel. No, Ninja are quite often disguised when roaming the streets, sporting their usual garb only when completing missions. Of course, when a true ninja does wear the clothing, he or she would never be careless enough as to be seen by a normal, non-but-kicking-ninja person: they would much rather blind us by throwing shuriken at our eyes than be seen. So, what does this all mean? It means that those signatures that you had gotten from a group of Ninja on Halloween were NOT true ninja. I’m sorry that you had fallen for such a trick, but you should have known better when one of them had signed their name as Jimmy Robertson. I’m sorry, but no Ninja is named Jimmy Robertson.

 

THE DISGUISES AVAILABLE TO THEM ARE UNLIMITED

 

Ninja can take many shapes and sizes when disguising themselves. Remember that old lady you helped walk across the street? That’s right. A ninja. That rock that was in the middle of the road one day when coming home from work? Yeap, a ninja. The turkey dinner you had eaten for thanksgiving last year? No, that was a real turkey, but man, I bet it tasted good. <3

Simply put, you will never locate a ninja unless you accept the fact that they can be anyone, or anything. But you must keep in mind the first tip: it will never be obvious that one is a ninja.

 

Actions

 

Determining the validity of one’s ninja-ness based on their actions is not necessarily easier than basing it on appearance. However, the following tips will assist with such a method.

 

UNUSUAL ACTIVITY MAY BE A SIGN

 

Although the disguise of a true ninja will never be flawed, it is possible for a less experienced ninja to slip up and be seen doing something slightly unusual. You know Grandpa Sam, the one who did a triple backflip after winning the lottery. Well, such an action is quite unusual and upon witnessing the event, one should realize that he is most likely a ninja. That or he was part of the circus many years ago. Other examples of unusual activity include if your cat often practises ninja-like attacks on neighbours’ pets or if your wife tends to prepare meals using katanas.

 

Please note that you should not rely strictly on this tip for determining whether or not one is a ninja. For example, that girl a few blocks down who brought shuriken to school and started throwing them at people with what seemed to be great precision. She wasn’t a ninja: she was crazy.

 

 

LOOK OUT FOR UNEXPECTED REACTIONS

 

Like unusual activity, unexpected reactions may also be a sign. An example consists of if you offer to carry an elderly person’s groceries but end up dropping her precious watermelon. If she responds by cutting off each of your limbs with a katana, it is highly possible that she is a ninja in disguise. But you have to admit, she would have a reason to do that: I mean, you dropped her watermelon. It isn’t easy to find a good one. I’d probably do the same if you wrecked my watermelon…

Just don’t do it.

 

Smell

 

The last of the trio. There’s only one tip for this one, and it’s quite straightforward.

 

YOU CAN SMELL THE AWESOME

 

Like I said, it’s fairly straightforward. Something that ninjas have a hard time covering up is their smell: the smell of awesome. One simply can’t cover it up, and if you can get close enough to a person to smell it, you’ll easily be able to tell if he or she is a ninja. It’s a great smell. The smell of kick-butt, 1337, uber, whatever you want to call it… You’ll never be the same.

 

That’s it!

 

There’s all the tips you’ll need to figure out who is a ninja. Now, you may be wondering what you’ll do after finding out someone you know is ninja. Here’s a quick list of possibilities:

 

1. Approach them about being a ninja and risk never seeing the light of day

2. Marry him or her

3. Collect whatever objects you can find of theirs. Gum, hair, old razors, you name it. Build a shrine for the items and worship them t’ill the end

 

Many seem to experience the most success with number 3, but I suppose it’s a matter of preference.

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